Friday, October 30, 2009

Troglodyte ! ( From The Dark Tunnel )

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I hated people , highly isolated me was deep in pain and loss. Though at my outer core was at peace but I wish someone could look into the hidden me , someone who could see my busted aims, future and above all my shattered soul. I wanted consolation but as I mentioned before too I didn't wanted people’s sympathies. Totally confused, completely drown in my own injuries. And then it rained, I was sitting on one of the stairs bemused in my thoughts. Rain made me wet but I was not in a mood to leave my place so I sat there, facing the sky, keeping my eyes closed. I felt rain droplets on my face rolling down. I was all wet, completely soaked, and then there came a point where I felt like losing my strength I wanted to shout I felt like God was there after days of mistrust and incredulity I finally was gaining my trust, my faith back. But I couldn’t as before I could act on my wish I heard a horn down my main gate and I had to close my mouth as he (my dad) was here. Tears came out of eyes combining with droplets of rain rolling down my face towards nick making shirt wet. I wiped my eyes, I heard my cell-phone ringing. It kept on ringing few times and then it was quite may be because of battery as I didn’t recharged it since 3 days. That night I missed my mama the most. Though several times she tried talking to me and on call she did her very best to console me but it was hard for me to stop my screams at the edge my vocal cord only before they could come out. I left my virtual contacts, real friends, relatives, my own family, I was quite like never before. The feeling was odd and was giving me a real pain. It made me felt like I am complete loser and a failure and this was the very first time. [Yeah yeah! I know there always comes a first time]

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I decided to stop thinking about everything and give my mind a rest. I left  my routine and started a new one. August was tough but September was the toughest. Eid was there just wround the corner and even Ramzan started, but couldn’t pay attention on anything. I knew I lost my complete focus but I tried my hard not to show others till I retain it and get back to my track. I always believed that ‘we never can back to the previous track as we always move ahead with more and new things in our hands , with more experience and  guts to face the new up-coming challenges in future. Well, that's my own theory or you may call it a stupid philosophy.’

Yes! I hated the fact that at the age of 22 years I was still without a boy friend. Its nothing like I am desperate but yeah! sometimes it hurts, the complete loneliness hurts. I wanted a person to love me like he loved never before but … Its stupid of me to wish for a guy when many other things that I could easily with only rising my hand were still out of my reach. Yes! I  believed LOVE but its good to feel it as a dream, its not possible in real life. People here may would disagree but I am not a new born. I am 22 year old woman to be.

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I am a person who rarely listens to heart why ? because ‘Backwas karta hai yeh sala!’. Its always put me in crisis, always making me having mishaps and I am tired but sometime back I read a fact file where they said;

There is no connection between heart and emotions because of which when you get stressed you get heart-attack while when you get emotionally hurt you get a nervous break-down.

I don't know how correct this is and who cares as all these things gave me nothing but a strong strength and I am sure that these all disasters are only in there my life just to prove how STRONG I am..

To Be Continued..

- illusiOn ~

P.S ( guys please no assumptions this is a story rather then calculating the reality and fantasy enjoy, feel and cherish a girls life)

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Tricky Ideate!

Thursday, October 29, 2009 0

I want to see you and that's very important not for me but for our relationship . I am tired of being scolded  every time because of your absence. Its when not my mistake that you are not here then why I am punished. I know you are busy but even then, what is my mistake. Definitely its not me who is keeping you busy its your work.

Abeela!

I got this mail early this morning and I had been viewing it from time to time during this day. I had been into a great relationship with my wife since last 4 years, We made a great couple together though we still our differences in between but that's what marriage is all about NO? Abeela is my 22 year old wife whom I married at the age of 24 as a result of love. Being with her yes its still is a blessing for me and I love her more deeply then I actually used to do before. I couldn't understand why she is saying all this on email while we could talk face to face about it. I picked my cell-phone took her name out from my list and pushed the dialing button but then I ended the call and started typing a mail to her.

Dear !
Who said its your fault ? name me the person. Abi you are very important for me. But today I am very much disappointed by you, you could tell me all your feelings in bedroom which we share, you could tell me all this in our private moments. I never felt like you wanted to say anything to me else I would have asked. I know its my mistake that I am most of the time unavailable when you need me the most but honey trust me! I am doing all this for us. Your essential to me , necessary to me like breathing for our respiratory system. I can still leave things for you but at least you can like my girl, come and say it to me on my face, don't go away from me and turn your back like this..

Yours
Edd..

Writing my pet name down I got a thought in my mind after years I wrote or read my name Edd, as Abeela and I were now married but does getting married means you are losing romance from your life ! The feeling was awful I wanted to see my better-half's face, I wanted to hide my face in her black hairs..

So I left the studio as early as I could took my car and hurried off. In the middle of my way of home I took a minute out and got orchids for her as she loved them rather then rose. I left my car in drive way only. I rushed to the door ways took the duplicate key opened the door and felt the silence in the lounge. I rushed towards the bedroom but it was empty too. So did she left me without letting me explain.

To Be Continued..

- illusiOn~

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Conjured! ( From The Dark Tunnel )

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Keeping mom in my mind I tried hard not to get pissed off and live, at least pretend that I am fine. I had a responsibility of a father who was still not good in state of health, I knew if I just showed him how shattered I am he will take it all on his head. Life was never a piece of cake to me but this was surely not the worst. I went quite, isolated though I knew its of no use. I always believed escape is not a solution. It never is but what I need was a little silence as my soul was tired of wild and crazy noises that were banging my head hard. I left coming online this doesn't mean I left internet but yeah! I quite blogging, chatting, almost every mean of communication. Switched my cell-phone. Although I knew I cant take this attitude of mine as long term but that was the only thing I could do at instant. And then I got a call from my mom whom I was avoiding because yes the rejection was not easy for me. I never been through a phase where I could bear a NO , I was a spoiled yet a favorite child of my family. My father couldn’t bear a single tear in my eye. I talked her and made her sure that I am doing fine as from such distance nothing she could do except of getting worried for me which I didn't wanted. Although I wanted to tell her nights are the most unbearable part of a single day . Sleep was all I want but each time when I go to bed I feel like I can never sleep so many ‘Why’s’ ‘if’s’ and ‘buts'’ hit my mind hard enough that the sign of sleep vanishes away. I wanted to yell in front of her , I wanted to show the pain I have restored in my heart but couldn’t as I was not a perfect daughter but still wanted to be one. I felt like I am lost. My MP3 was filled with low numbers, colors were replaced. I felt like I am loser even with all love of my parents I was a complete failure. My mom cried out when she came to know that I am considering myself as a loser. I wanted her to be back but my lips were sealed I was conjured by the fact that I have to protect my parents and have to make them believe that no matter even if I am loser I know how to take care of my loved ones..

I needed an stair case to climb up , up to success, to brightness but all I could see was nothingness and it reminds me of ecstasy …

- illusiOn ~

P.S ( This is fiction+reality so no offense. Its a journey of a girl who went down because of a mishap and then how she gains her strength back )

Flavors Changes! ( From The Dark Tunnel )



A broad smile touches my lips, due to excitement I had in my mind, life and heart. Finally I am getting a Job , tomorrow is the day, my day, a day for which I have been waiting since quite a long time. After tomorrow I will be able to smile like sun shines, I will be able to feel the beauty of moon. By tomorrow I will friends with stars again. I close my eyes but who wants to fallen sleep and fantasize, when reality itself is much more beautiful then dreams.



It was surely not the first day but after very long time I watched sun waking up , stretching its rays all over the part of Earth facing the sun. After very long I said goodbye to sleepy moon, moon was tired as we both were awaken all night together but one was fresh other was tired. I yawn and got my best outfit out, took my favorite shoes, glossed my lips, lined my eyes with coal and hurried off. My stomach was having butterflies in it. A smile hit my lips as I sat in my car. With in 20 minutes we were at our designation but these 20 minutes were the hardest one. I always was aware of the fact that I am impatient person but today I was sure of this. Rushing inside I saw a list , my heart raced fast, hands trembled and I felt hard to lift myself forward. Nervously I move ahead though I was very much confident that nobody can saw NO to me when it comes to this profession as I am just not good but far more better then other willing candidates here. I took a deep breath and search the list, searching from one page to another a glimpse of darkness touched my heart as I couldn't find my name anywhere. I went to the office and when I ask the receptionist there she told me the worst word that my ears ever heard. She said I was not selected because I couldn't pass the interview. I ask her to call the manager their as he was the person who called me yesterday and gave me the news that I was selected . I met him and in the very normal tone I asked him why he called me when I was not even selected, he asked my name and said he is very sorry as what he did was a complete mistake. My heart stopped working or it was just a feeling, I was numb and with glasses on my face covering my black teary eyes I rushed back to my car. On the journey back home I saw my mobile lightening a number of times but couldn’t hear anything. As I reach home I asked my driver to leave, with a spare key I entered the house as quietly as I could. I placed a note on my refrigerator saying what I want them to know;



I climbed up the stairs, reached my room and slowly I dialed an international number though I know she was far away from me but with this I also knew one thing more. If anyone else could understand was I was going through was definitely her. Knowing that the time zones are way too different I kept a secret hope that she will respond and she did. Hearing her saying ‘HELLO’ my heart pumped back hard and I could only say this;



‘ Mama I lost ‘ I broke down as if I never could be joined back. As if somebody pushed me from stairs of 100 steps. I felt I am shattered, noises were wild in me as they are when a glass collides with floor. Yes! once again the flavor of life changed.





- illusiOn~

PROLOGUE! ( From the Dark Tunnel )

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Hello everyone!

As I stated previously I would like to share my recent happenings with my pals so here I am with a different experience of my life from which I passed few in these few months.. I believe we all go through this black tunnel of life where there is a deprivation of hope, unlimited insanity and lots of expectations from loved ones to understand the facing one. This is a high time where the hard timer wants to be pampered by loved ones and at the very same time wants no one to make them feel as if they are very special. Depression is on its peak , negativity is the only thing which touches the heart. I believe FROM THE DARK TUNNEL is for everyone who are in the tunnel or are finally out of it making the darkness lighten by the shine of their bright future!

It is not a story or I must say its not just a story neither all is real , this is a combo of fantasy + reality so that you all wont get bore or too depressed.

Hope you will enjoy!

- illusiOn ~

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Just a thought..

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I want to this and talk like this till late in the morning . I am sick of being mistrusted, these misconceptions . I am not even in a mood to tell anyone not even myself what’s going. Mom I love you for supporting me too much..

Friday, October 23, 2009

Vacation ends..

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Oh yes! I am back after quite a long vacation. Thanks Vinay for support and pulling me back towards blogsvilla . So here I am with Alpi N Andi series ( yes they are on track ) , with Sam and Adam on WL ( Tainted Love, I hope people there still remember it. Atleast I do ) and yeah I have something very new I went through a difficult phase so will share that in a form of story too.. I hope no problem that will cause..

- illusiOn~
 
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