Monday, December 14, 2009

U-TURN.. odd..

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I never understood what U-TURN means. A stubborn like me, needs a great potency to accept mistakes of my own. Things went difficult to me while going through the pathway which lead me to no where but sometimes its good having no idea of destination. Lost in a big world with loads to seen or learnt but most of the time we panic though our destinations ARE always uncertain.

Anyways, I was talking about U-TURN. I always seek things that are unvalued or devalued or you may say are ignored by people. I am equally complicated as any other person of my age could be, the difference is I accept that I am complicated. Its was not same few years back. I too loved fantasy, dreams and every other thing wait wait let me clear I still dream, I still live and enjoy better then anybody else. What change is the U-TURN. Things changed, my priority and my existence, everything changed as I took a U-TURN. I was on a road of loneliness a U-TURN made things a little different now I am independent. I was on the mode of sadness a U-TURN made me happy. Can I always take a U-TURN.???

- illusiOn ©

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Food of Soul & Mind .. BOOKS..

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Well Ladies & gentlemen ! Zong [ Sab keh do ] sponsored the 5h International Book Fair in Karachi.. Its open till 14th of December 2009 I wish I could go again. I was hell excited to be a part of it since the day I saw a bill board. I shared it with my sis and we both got ready. I reach there at 2:30 and I came back at 6:15 but believe you me this time was not enough for me. When books are up to infinity I believe people like me never want to leave the place. Why the hell  there is an EXIT door. Cant they make arrangements for us, crazy book lovers to stay up all night. With a warm light and tea.. Oh common We will pay for tea for sure. Ok! coming back to Expo centre, Karachi a vast area, a huge one. Exhibition took place in 3 halls HALL 1, HALL 2 & yes HALL 3. Now I went to the HALL 2 first, why may be because it was right in front while you have to take a left and a right for HALL 1 and 3. Hall 2 had LIBERTY, PARAMOUNT and other famous publishers and book dealers from Karachi. Hall 2 took our major portion of time, it was yes big and had loads of books.

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Paramount and Liberty both gave discounts and they had extra low prices for books they thought had now no space in their shelves.     [ I am really sorry about the picture as people were continuously moving and I was helpless not authorized to stop them not for a single second, not just for click from such distance ]

 

After almost 2 hours we left for Hall 3 and 1 consecutively, didn't enjoyed it much. We had a tea there and then we left. I hate EXIT door still I had to pass through it. When I left it was beautiful sunset, some clicks are below..

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- illusiOn ~

..

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I did it again. I screwed things and then I behave even more aggressively. I don't know how to control things and get over them. I just cant forget what happened or I may say that I am discontent. I want to show contentment but I am unable to. I really what I am going through. And what makes it worst is the behaviour of my surroundings. I know I am complaining as this the only thing right now I can do.. I dont know man though I want to have a solution.
Anyways I am planning to go to a Book Fair [ I am writing this all late night so wont be able to write tomorrow na] Any how its the 5th International Book Fair I hope I will be able to grab some pictures.

- illusiOn ~

Friday, December 11, 2009

Back door Thoughts ~

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It was 3 in the morning when I finally decide to leave staircase on which I was sitting since 2 hours. Deeply drown in my own thoughts, feeling sorry for my own self and  having bad thoughts for him. The lamp above was lighten and was giving a dramatic effect. Unsatisfied me I stand there and I gazed the sky. Weather was clear but no sign of stars. A moon yes my moon it was there as usual . I remember my mother who made me sing ;

‘ Chanda mamu door k,
Pooray pakain bor k,
Ap khain thali main,
Bachon ko dein thali main,
Piyali gayi phoot,
Chanda mama gaye rooth,
Nayi piyali lain ge,
Chanda mama ko manain ge..

Translation:

Have you ever heard it from your mothers? Well I did and I guess all of them in my family we still when see sky and off course the moon our ‘ Chanda Mama ’ we think about it and enjoy.
Life I don’t why is treating me with a hard n fast rules. It keeps on changing very fast, so goes for the rules. I try to cope up but I guess I am still too young to play with time and its accessories like luck,fortune and timing. I left the house but before I move on further I turned and glance back. It was an average built house grey coloured, black gate and a name plate. I love homes rather then houses as I have seen they both carries a difference with in themselves, which obviously is not that prominent. I like the bonding of families unfortunately the generation I belong too is suffering from too much loneliness,depression and psychological problems and the worst part is  the education we are getting. I mention this is ‘ Metaphors & Hurricanes inside ’ ;

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I seek a refuge as I want to hide. I know sharing helps but it helps when you are sure the person listening you will make you comfortable rather then getting worried about it. Its nothing like I regret things its just I hate to be the left one. I don’t know how easy its for the other people like me. I know I take things larger then there actual image. I sharing it here because its safe. Even if you misquote anything it wont hurt that badly then previously it did. I know its hard to take a relationship and easy is to end but I guess its easy to end because one full stop is easy to be placed while on the other hand if you place few more when its difficult to continue… I am facing challenges that I shouldn't be at this age I don't know its what my luck bad-luck or something else. I know things but implementing them always makes me fail no matter how many attempts I make. Its nothing that I am ashy person or something like that on people faces  its just I don’t know what to say. I am tired and sick of everything, as I am no more able to work things out. I don’t know how things will get better and how I will be able to cope up with things and change myself for betterment. I want to be a better person, a better human. I don’t know how to do it.

- illusiOn ~

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Metaphors & Hurricane Inside..

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I don’t know if things could have been better just with a change of attitude. I am really not sure if anything could get better obviously it can and it is but not with a rapid time. Impatient soul I am, though I always keep the reminder on in me but its embarrassing that I fail. I am sick of keeping myself in a forcing position. Yeah yeah I am the wrong one but how wrong not all wrong. I am executed to death without even my soul set to be free. The honourable people, my society they claims to be  the perfect ones. The social norms, values ,respect they all are precious but what about me? my dignity my prestige and my honour? I feel like I am so lost between the socialism and manners. I feel like my education is divided between mannerism and grades. What I gain is no longer matters. What matters is how I sit, I talk, I behave, what matter is cutlery should on right side or the left, I should put my chair in while I leave the place. Why the generation above devalued us like this? If there duty is just to make us a LADY or GENTLEMAN then who will be teaching us how to face challenges in our lives, what to when we suffer from depression? If now not then when they will learn ??

- illusiOn ~

Monday, November 30, 2009

Knots !

Monday, November 30, 2009 0

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Hey guys.. The four letter word TRUST made me post here at this odd time of night yeah I know I will be able to post it tomorrow evening but guys you know what I am writing it here at 3:00 a.m .. WL announced the contest I am surely searching in my idiot brain and forcing it to vibrate and make me know something to write. Day was hell at start but later it got OK as I was not feeling well couldn’t come online. Now as I told you this four letter word.. TRUST made me write, though I completely unsure of what to write and how to justify my words I surely will give it a try.

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I am still unsure of this word, strange is the not the definition but its effects. I am really surprised sometimes that how easily it can knocked down. ( guys by this I am not mentioning anyone particular talking generally) Honestly you tell me, sometimes its easily broken and can never be mended. Sometimes you feel after covering a distance with person in a relationship that you never trusted the person while the journey not even a single moment you did. My word web gives me definition that any other soul can give but definition they were satisfies me. In my mother tongue this TRUST is known as e,ti’mad which means ( let me check my Urdu dictionary for exact meanings) Yeah it says; ‘ kisi cheez ya sheh par bharosa rakhna ya us par apna dar o madar rakhna ’ . This means TRUST means to be dependent on someone or to rely on someone.

Few days back I got an SMS which gave me another example of TRUST it said;
‘ Have you ever seen a baby, when you throw him in air he laughs instead of being afraid that is TRUST because he is sure you will catch him, he is safe ’

May be you agree to this well, to some extend I do. But what put me into a dilemma is why then its easily knocked down, if its down will the person be able to gain it back. Common now don't leave a comment saying time heals everything, or things go around they can be sort out blah blah. I  know all the logics, I understand the terms and conditions that are required to survive in the beautiful land but still sometimes TRUST can never be mended..

- illusiOn ~

Sib’s

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Hey you all people around me how are you? hope doing good.. Its been late since I have shared some good happy go stuff here. So here I am with something close to my heart. God created us and through our parents we enter this world of ours. Siblings are the xtra bonus thing added in our recipe of life though this spice is been deducted in few people recipe of life. Anyhow among all your siblings a sister is a gift. Seriously guys! reading this post keep an image of your sister and feel what she is to you and how you take her. Siblings are the God gifted friends whom with we are so much parted. Distance when grows I know its unable to realize but guys siblings are given to us so that we can cherish every moment of life with them. Sharing, gossips, fights, it all so happy going. You never realize but your success lies with the bonding of your siblings. So my this posts goes to all my siblings… And a message to all bloggers make friends… but make your siblings your friends first. Through a very access to internet yes its true the world is like a global village but deep down I feel we are getting parted from our family especially the understanding is evacuated. Its important to realize that there is no use of a bundle of friends on virtual world or real world if you a lonely, depressed sibling at home. THINK AND CHANGE..

Felicitous Wishes 2 all..

Hey all people! Its time for celebrations… I hope you all will be having a great EID.. Though girls usually don't like this EID because its too smelly and they are quite afraid of blood and all.. But from my side.. HAPPPY EID MUBARAK TO YOU ALL.. MAY YOU HAVE A SPLENDID EID DAYS..

- illusiOn ~

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Evanescent Relations...

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Ever wondered why people leave? I mean why the cycle of replacement is always on? Why someone enters and at the very same time people leave? Even knowing that there is no replacement of them possible? Is it natural, or psychological? are people insecure or they completely lose their ability to think and understand before doing all this..

Well well ! All these thoughts they belong to each one of us and we all hold these questions deep down in our .. [ what I should say heart or mind ] lets assume SOUL , we all hold these in our soul....yes! perfect line ( I won’t be appreciating if anyone of you commented about this line that it could be better bata rahi hon main! open your ears and listen argh i mean open your eyes and read chup chap se.. ). Relationships.....they’re quite important when it comes to living. Relationship is not just about having someone special in life. Its all about relations from siblings to children, from friends to colleagues, from a stranger to a neighbour, it does comprise of all of that. We actually are too complicated to be stated that’s the reason inventions never end and so does our complexity. I believe its all about handling things. Yes! we all need a guardian angel cast upon every single day, every single moment. But the distance between angel and us is not that easy to cover. Its all about handling. We all are human, the superior creatures of Allah because of which we are too proud and hence commit mistakes. Leaving nature of mankind aside, its difficult yet very important to understand and balance the need and requirement of not only one’s self but other one's too. Here we usually lack, we are generally too busy with our lives, expectations and perceptions that we hardly focus on the other one. If we are focusing on the other we stop considering ourselves which lead us to complaints and misunderstandings. The only thing that helps is your standing position and the distance you covered in the mutual understanding. Actually we all revolve around some kinda axis of our own. When we know someone their axis is linked with us.. As they say opposites attract, same goes here. You need to be opposite to each other in positions but not definitely in mutual bonding. Whenever you have a friend standing on a EXIT door make him leave in a best possible way ( best could vary from cries, sobs, shouts, screams anything you do just do best in that particular genre ). Always welcome people standing outside the ENTRY gate with a little mystery left behind, comfort them and take their breath away… Enough I said.....so ENJOY…

- illusiOn ~

Boohoos!

I am brought up with a statement ‘ Crying makes your nervous system weak ’ but I never quit crying. I stand with my words I never quit though I started hating it years later. I have been taken as a very weak person in my family but years back they were forced to change this petty little comments. I am a very strong person and that's because I barely keep things in my heart I put it in here (my blog) or drop it in my diary I own. this way I am always able to re-go through things. Secretly, I heard once crying makes your eyes beautiful. Obviously I am not talking about that puffy nose and watering image, the later results… :P I love shedding tears and forget it later if I don’t I face phases like DARK TUNNEL..

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I remember once my brother made bet that if I cry for 30 minutes with a consistency he will take me to the ice-cream parlour I want to go to. Left me with no bloody choice I had to cry for 30 minutes but then I made myself sure that even he takes me to the parlour I will make sure he gets punished for that :D beautiful childhood… ahh :)

- illusiOn ~

Siblings~

To be honest last day was not my day had been very much frustrated and very much sad. But what really help was talking to my brothers. My virtual brother STEPHEN ANTHONY , who is having his birthday today 24th November and Azam bhai.. thank you both for making world a better place for living. I gave surprise by calling ste.. brother A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you :) may your wishes come true.. Yes! my friends helped me too Vinay .. who can forget.. Maverick.. thank you guys..

Its good to have siblings like I have.. :)

-illusiOn ~

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Submerged mɜ!

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Growing up, being much mature then your actual is age sounds thrilled, excited and adventurous. You actually are smart, intellectual and above much aware of things then others are at your age but actually a great problem lies here. You are the odd one out, much more difficult is your competition then others have of your age as your maturity level is high and so is your approach. People like these are absolutely normal if surroundings let them be a normal person.  I have been into this world for the past 18 years, like every other kid faced challenges but I never understood relationships and yes! I failed. I know many people here will come and say I am wrong but believe me I am the one who never had relationships like I wanted, there is no way that I am going to blame the people or the surrounding of mine. I certainly and proudly accept that flaws lies in me.. Yes I am tired, I have been titled to be the most negative person of my family but I want to tell all my people that I am no very much tired of losing myself again again for some moron. I know its way too harsh of me calling some respectful people of my society as morons but I stand with my words. I am listening to one of my least favourite bands “JAL” I guess its good listening to people you hardly want to listen. There is no problem with them but I guess there music is not my type. I am extremely sorry boys. I don’t know why I am writing all this but not for sympathies off course. I hate when people make their own way of looking at my personality guess my impressions are never that strong. I feel like my body if of this era but my soul it belongs to decades back may be the 18th century. Yes I lie that I am happy without people who left because of no reason yes I lie as I find no other way to survive with the fact. Its easy saying ‘ accept and move ’ I have accepted, even forgiven but how to erase my memory?? I don't know. I don’t have complains as I know fault is mine I choose wrong people or I may say I choose wrong time to be with them. Friend! you are right ‘ A cup of tea is a cup of tea, and a business deal is business deal ’ , and you know what I still don’t know the difference.

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I don’t know how long it will take me to forget all what had happen, it was never that severe, I accept it never was but I am still unable to leave it in my past. I have been away and I was missed by myself the most. I am a hard-core, and yes I am not ashamed of what I am surely I can bring changes in me but only if I feel like. I need friends like every other person of my age but the problem is I don’t know what suits me best. What’s my combo of friendship. I guess I had enough on my account, I better get going and hit the sheets. Its late, almost morning and if now I don’t go to bed I will be knockdown by my mother as she hates her children spoiling there morning sleeping.

Chaos!
- illusiOn ~

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

A view..

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This was not the very first time that I came up here and I lied, I have been coming here for years. After every few routine weeks I need some time to come up here and lie. I never understood the relationship I and this wall shared. I don’t know what’s the connection between us but definitely its there. Its crazy of me believing that this wall understands me well or it understand what I say, observe or feel. I know it doesn’t but I enjoy being here. Its nothing like I am isolated or something its just sometimes its nice to view world much smaller then it is. From such height I only can see small but many cars all over the road. World seems much lighter then actually it is. The view is entirely different and incredible. I will suggest try it but yeah only on your own risk :P . I have been coming to this place since I was a kid. That time I used to come here only when I got angry or dissatisfied with the rest of the world. I used to hide here and show my attitude to rest of the world(family). Then there came a time when I used to come up only when I was tensed and now I come here just to have another view of world , entirely different, odd but fantastic. :)

- illusiOn ©

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Sick.. tired.. and..

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Do you actually understand what TIRED means? come and ask me I am actually tired. Physically  i am not.. but actually i am. i want to be alone yet i want to be surrounded with people. I dont want ny1 to advice me but yes it doesnt means I dont want ny1 around me ...

Saturday, November 7, 2009

My Favorite 10 Letter ‘ LONELINESS ’

Saturday, November 7, 2009 1

 

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LONELINESS .. my favorite topic of discussion as I generally don’t agree with the definition of many things defined by people or my web dictionaries even the Cambridge one. This word certainly top’s my generations list. Before I move on with my views, perspectives,opinions and ideas with off course THE SOLUTIONS lets see how our dictionary defines the 10 alphabets holder LONELINESS. My WORDWEB gives me the following definitions;

  • The state of being alone in solitary isolation
  • Sadness resulting from being forsaken or abandoned
  • A disposition toward being alone

Personally, I don’t believe any of them. STRANGE! is it? well, I say what I believe, I have my own definitions and laws.Umm talking about the first definition, I believe there is a difference of approach as there are two sides of every coin. I remember a friend asked me year back; ‘what is LONELINESS? is it bad or good?’ I replied ‘ it depends, depends on .. the type of isolation’ , my friend replied ‘ type of isolation, wow! I never knew isolation even comes in types’. I typed ‘ Yeah ! they come in two types 1. Loneliness that you chose 2. Loneliness chosen for you or I must say gifted you  by people. If your loneliness is of type 1 then you will feel better with in couple of minutes but if its of type 2 its definitely severe’. Couple of minutes later I got a call from my friend;

‘ Do you actually believe what you just told me ’
' Well, yes I do that's why I said '
' This is weird , from where you get this ideas I meant the definitions '
' Why? what you have to do '
' Obviously demolish the factory '

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Even if we look around we can easily feel the difference. According to the human nature its difficult for a person do something imposed on them, even you make them do the exertion lasts for long. Considering myself, I would say it happens a million time when I felt isolated in middle of hundreds of people. And there are several times when I enjoy even I am all on my own. Ideas/Solution for LONELINESS no.2 ( my definition) will be given if asked :P, as I hate giving advices in crowd. I know only 3 to 4 people read my posts but crowd means ‘ More then two people at a place known as CROWD ’ hehehe

- illusiOn ~

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A Reply! – ( From The Dark Tunnel )

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I came back to my room and wore my night suit. I took the band out of my hairs and lie down straight facing up the ceiling. I have a black ceiling by the way. Its odd but I like it. Staring helps , whenever I feel like tired or want to sleep and I cant I use this therapy, with a blank mind, no thoughts I stare the ceiling of my room. The dying hope made me shiver alot of times when I have to think, manage and fight. I have no ways, ideas or formulas to beat my enemy with but I cant sit idle even. I cant see my self drowning in the sea of FAILURE . Yes I never faced FAILURE and today even I wont see myself idly with a dying hope and FAILURE laughing on me. I am the PRINCESS , yes I cant hear NO and who say their NO can effect my life but it will effect theirs for sure. They could do alot better if they would have hired me but who  cares, they were mature enough to decide on there  own. I went down slowly brought CLASSIFIED to my room and started viewing it. After an hour or two when I my eyes were tired and almost closed I made my way back to bed and just before I could go to the world of dreams I heard a voice

SO PRINCESS HERE IS YOUR ANSWER! DON’T WORRY I AM THERE, FOR YOU WITH YOU

ALWAYS!!!

TO BE CONTINUED..

- illusiOn ~

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

To God, With Love ! - ( From The Dark Tunnel )

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And then after so many days of mistrust and disbelief I finally decide to write to God. You must be thinking how fool I was then did I ask you think or tell me what you are thinking . I sat down on top most roof constellate with stars , moon observing me and I wrote down;

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To Allah!

I don't know but I am very dishearten  by you, help me gaining my faith back. I don't know why all this happened but it did and I am not liking it at all now its your responsibility to make feel better instead of living it on time to heal me. I am yours and this is the only reason I am writing this letter to you. I know people here will take me as an insane but when I care about it? Did I? No! Allah I know something better is hived away in near future but then why we pray and ask things from you if you are going to provide things in a better way, in its best shape? Why you said in Al- Quran that you give to those who ask you to? I don't know if my talks make sense to anyone but I know it will to you I am sure as you are my creator. If my mum understands me so well so does my dad then I am dead sure YOU the one who love me more then 70 mothers surely understands me far better then I understand myself. Help me! I know you are around somewhere near me but still I need you. I know things will go by and then I will be on a track towards success but this is hurting me. I know people who are consoling me are resource of you only but this way its hurting even more. Sometime I feel like drowning myself somewhere but then I remember how difficult it was for me to recover from it last time.

Waiting for an answer!

Love you Allah ..

And I wiped my tears off and tear the page from the diary and it flit away before I could grab it .. I smiled Allah definitely was watching me and this wind took my letter to him.. =) ..

TO BE CONTINUED..

- illusiOn ~

Monday, November 2, 2009

Sentiments ! - ( From The Dark Tunnel )

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I don't know why I was rejected and so my colleagues who got chance to work there, the place I always dreamed about. I felt liking punching them on their nose straight but then what there fault was. They were not the people who kicked me out. I considered myself a very religious person though people in my surrounding may disagree as I don't seem to be one. Yeah its my mistake that I don't offer prayers as regularly as I should be but my prayers were rejected for my betterment I don't believe it even. I know there must be something that was missed may be the faith was not that strong  by me only my LORD loves me like no one but I never understand few things and I don’t know whom to ask as people have a different stories within them and I hate sharing my beliefs and faith with anyone, within my family even. I don't believe when people say God didn't gave you this even on your so much pray because this was not good for you, I think that we only pray when things go beyond our reach, when you are drowning even then only you ask for help not always you do that. I wanted Allah to console me, silly of me I know but it was hard for me to believe that I was rejected by them after such a great interview. The thoughts of mine always hit me hard like this only. I know soon everything will be fine this time will too pass by but what to do in this time is important. I know or I don't now, I’m on a last stage of nothingness.  I  agree I need counseling only if there is any chance that Allah comes to do. I know I am just not a normal bloody human psychological case, I am superlative so I need HIM only. I know its so selfish of me to think about my mishap rather then thinking about bigger ones but that is in human nature ( best excuse no? );
Understanding is if that difficult,
Burry me deep in soil,
or let me play the game of mine,
The moments are to be cherishes don't spoil,
I am not gonnna die I wont play safe,
Stronger I am not a foil,
I will fight  till the end make a bet,
So what if problems coil...
It can be restarted if its end,
I will wait so what if today I am roil,
( I know the poem doesn't make sense but ..)
TO BE CONTINUED..
- illusiOnv ~

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Tidings !

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Hey guys you know today we are back to our timings.. ahh! this means an hour back. I have an aptitude test tomorrow , Yeah I am little nervous but I am pretty much prepared this time. I don't know how easy this time it will be but I am consciously prepared still not sure how I will be reacting if I wont be able too… but why negativity ? I have promised myself to always look at a brighter side of the things and from this I start. I am putting all sad songs not in a recycle bin but with all the songs. And guess what? I am writing like hell.. I don't know what this is with me but I am happy with this as I really missed my writing skill since 23rd June . Dark tunnel was hard passing without my writing thing. I am more into it this time what they say yeah BACK WITH A BANG.  Its 4:14 a.m and I should hurry as I need to sleep …

- illusiOn ~

Friday, October 30, 2009

Troglodyte ! ( From The Dark Tunnel )

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I hated people , highly isolated me was deep in pain and loss. Though at my outer core was at peace but I wish someone could look into the hidden me , someone who could see my busted aims, future and above all my shattered soul. I wanted consolation but as I mentioned before too I didn't wanted people’s sympathies. Totally confused, completely drown in my own injuries. And then it rained, I was sitting on one of the stairs bemused in my thoughts. Rain made me wet but I was not in a mood to leave my place so I sat there, facing the sky, keeping my eyes closed. I felt rain droplets on my face rolling down. I was all wet, completely soaked, and then there came a point where I felt like losing my strength I wanted to shout I felt like God was there after days of mistrust and incredulity I finally was gaining my trust, my faith back. But I couldn’t as before I could act on my wish I heard a horn down my main gate and I had to close my mouth as he (my dad) was here. Tears came out of eyes combining with droplets of rain rolling down my face towards nick making shirt wet. I wiped my eyes, I heard my cell-phone ringing. It kept on ringing few times and then it was quite may be because of battery as I didn’t recharged it since 3 days. That night I missed my mama the most. Though several times she tried talking to me and on call she did her very best to console me but it was hard for me to stop my screams at the edge my vocal cord only before they could come out. I left my virtual contacts, real friends, relatives, my own family, I was quite like never before. The feeling was odd and was giving me a real pain. It made me felt like I am complete loser and a failure and this was the very first time. [Yeah yeah! I know there always comes a first time]

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I decided to stop thinking about everything and give my mind a rest. I left  my routine and started a new one. August was tough but September was the toughest. Eid was there just wround the corner and even Ramzan started, but couldn’t pay attention on anything. I knew I lost my complete focus but I tried my hard not to show others till I retain it and get back to my track. I always believed that ‘we never can back to the previous track as we always move ahead with more and new things in our hands , with more experience and  guts to face the new up-coming challenges in future. Well, that's my own theory or you may call it a stupid philosophy.’

Yes! I hated the fact that at the age of 22 years I was still without a boy friend. Its nothing like I am desperate but yeah! sometimes it hurts, the complete loneliness hurts. I wanted a person to love me like he loved never before but … Its stupid of me to wish for a guy when many other things that I could easily with only rising my hand were still out of my reach. Yes! I  believed LOVE but its good to feel it as a dream, its not possible in real life. People here may would disagree but I am not a new born. I am 22 year old woman to be.

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I am a person who rarely listens to heart why ? because ‘Backwas karta hai yeh sala!’. Its always put me in crisis, always making me having mishaps and I am tired but sometime back I read a fact file where they said;

There is no connection between heart and emotions because of which when you get stressed you get heart-attack while when you get emotionally hurt you get a nervous break-down.

I don't know how correct this is and who cares as all these things gave me nothing but a strong strength and I am sure that these all disasters are only in there my life just to prove how STRONG I am..

To Be Continued..

- illusiOn ~

P.S ( guys please no assumptions this is a story rather then calculating the reality and fantasy enjoy, feel and cherish a girls life)

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Tricky Ideate!

Thursday, October 29, 2009 0

I want to see you and that's very important not for me but for our relationship . I am tired of being scolded  every time because of your absence. Its when not my mistake that you are not here then why I am punished. I know you are busy but even then, what is my mistake. Definitely its not me who is keeping you busy its your work.

Abeela!

I got this mail early this morning and I had been viewing it from time to time during this day. I had been into a great relationship with my wife since last 4 years, We made a great couple together though we still our differences in between but that's what marriage is all about NO? Abeela is my 22 year old wife whom I married at the age of 24 as a result of love. Being with her yes its still is a blessing for me and I love her more deeply then I actually used to do before. I couldn't understand why she is saying all this on email while we could talk face to face about it. I picked my cell-phone took her name out from my list and pushed the dialing button but then I ended the call and started typing a mail to her.

Dear !
Who said its your fault ? name me the person. Abi you are very important for me. But today I am very much disappointed by you, you could tell me all your feelings in bedroom which we share, you could tell me all this in our private moments. I never felt like you wanted to say anything to me else I would have asked. I know its my mistake that I am most of the time unavailable when you need me the most but honey trust me! I am doing all this for us. Your essential to me , necessary to me like breathing for our respiratory system. I can still leave things for you but at least you can like my girl, come and say it to me on my face, don't go away from me and turn your back like this..

Yours
Edd..

Writing my pet name down I got a thought in my mind after years I wrote or read my name Edd, as Abeela and I were now married but does getting married means you are losing romance from your life ! The feeling was awful I wanted to see my better-half's face, I wanted to hide my face in her black hairs..

So I left the studio as early as I could took my car and hurried off. In the middle of my way of home I took a minute out and got orchids for her as she loved them rather then rose. I left my car in drive way only. I rushed to the door ways took the duplicate key opened the door and felt the silence in the lounge. I rushed towards the bedroom but it was empty too. So did she left me without letting me explain.

To Be Continued..

- illusiOn~

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Conjured! ( From The Dark Tunnel )

Tuesday, October 27, 2009 36

Keeping mom in my mind I tried hard not to get pissed off and live, at least pretend that I am fine. I had a responsibility of a father who was still not good in state of health, I knew if I just showed him how shattered I am he will take it all on his head. Life was never a piece of cake to me but this was surely not the worst. I went quite, isolated though I knew its of no use. I always believed escape is not a solution. It never is but what I need was a little silence as my soul was tired of wild and crazy noises that were banging my head hard. I left coming online this doesn't mean I left internet but yeah! I quite blogging, chatting, almost every mean of communication. Switched my cell-phone. Although I knew I cant take this attitude of mine as long term but that was the only thing I could do at instant. And then I got a call from my mom whom I was avoiding because yes the rejection was not easy for me. I never been through a phase where I could bear a NO , I was a spoiled yet a favorite child of my family. My father couldn’t bear a single tear in my eye. I talked her and made her sure that I am doing fine as from such distance nothing she could do except of getting worried for me which I didn't wanted. Although I wanted to tell her nights are the most unbearable part of a single day . Sleep was all I want but each time when I go to bed I feel like I can never sleep so many ‘Why’s’ ‘if’s’ and ‘buts'’ hit my mind hard enough that the sign of sleep vanishes away. I wanted to yell in front of her , I wanted to show the pain I have restored in my heart but couldn’t as I was not a perfect daughter but still wanted to be one. I felt like I am lost. My MP3 was filled with low numbers, colors were replaced. I felt like I am loser even with all love of my parents I was a complete failure. My mom cried out when she came to know that I am considering myself as a loser. I wanted her to be back but my lips were sealed I was conjured by the fact that I have to protect my parents and have to make them believe that no matter even if I am loser I know how to take care of my loved ones..

I needed an stair case to climb up , up to success, to brightness but all I could see was nothingness and it reminds me of ecstasy …

- illusiOn ~

P.S ( This is fiction+reality so no offense. Its a journey of a girl who went down because of a mishap and then how she gains her strength back )

Flavors Changes! ( From The Dark Tunnel )



A broad smile touches my lips, due to excitement I had in my mind, life and heart. Finally I am getting a Job , tomorrow is the day, my day, a day for which I have been waiting since quite a long time. After tomorrow I will be able to smile like sun shines, I will be able to feel the beauty of moon. By tomorrow I will friends with stars again. I close my eyes but who wants to fallen sleep and fantasize, when reality itself is much more beautiful then dreams.



It was surely not the first day but after very long time I watched sun waking up , stretching its rays all over the part of Earth facing the sun. After very long I said goodbye to sleepy moon, moon was tired as we both were awaken all night together but one was fresh other was tired. I yawn and got my best outfit out, took my favorite shoes, glossed my lips, lined my eyes with coal and hurried off. My stomach was having butterflies in it. A smile hit my lips as I sat in my car. With in 20 minutes we were at our designation but these 20 minutes were the hardest one. I always was aware of the fact that I am impatient person but today I was sure of this. Rushing inside I saw a list , my heart raced fast, hands trembled and I felt hard to lift myself forward. Nervously I move ahead though I was very much confident that nobody can saw NO to me when it comes to this profession as I am just not good but far more better then other willing candidates here. I took a deep breath and search the list, searching from one page to another a glimpse of darkness touched my heart as I couldn't find my name anywhere. I went to the office and when I ask the receptionist there she told me the worst word that my ears ever heard. She said I was not selected because I couldn't pass the interview. I ask her to call the manager their as he was the person who called me yesterday and gave me the news that I was selected . I met him and in the very normal tone I asked him why he called me when I was not even selected, he asked my name and said he is very sorry as what he did was a complete mistake. My heart stopped working or it was just a feeling, I was numb and with glasses on my face covering my black teary eyes I rushed back to my car. On the journey back home I saw my mobile lightening a number of times but couldn’t hear anything. As I reach home I asked my driver to leave, with a spare key I entered the house as quietly as I could. I placed a note on my refrigerator saying what I want them to know;



I climbed up the stairs, reached my room and slowly I dialed an international number though I know she was far away from me but with this I also knew one thing more. If anyone else could understand was I was going through was definitely her. Knowing that the time zones are way too different I kept a secret hope that she will respond and she did. Hearing her saying ‘HELLO’ my heart pumped back hard and I could only say this;



‘ Mama I lost ‘ I broke down as if I never could be joined back. As if somebody pushed me from stairs of 100 steps. I felt I am shattered, noises were wild in me as they are when a glass collides with floor. Yes! once again the flavor of life changed.





- illusiOn~

PROLOGUE! ( From the Dark Tunnel )

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Hello everyone!

As I stated previously I would like to share my recent happenings with my pals so here I am with a different experience of my life from which I passed few in these few months.. I believe we all go through this black tunnel of life where there is a deprivation of hope, unlimited insanity and lots of expectations from loved ones to understand the facing one. This is a high time where the hard timer wants to be pampered by loved ones and at the very same time wants no one to make them feel as if they are very special. Depression is on its peak , negativity is the only thing which touches the heart. I believe FROM THE DARK TUNNEL is for everyone who are in the tunnel or are finally out of it making the darkness lighten by the shine of their bright future!

It is not a story or I must say its not just a story neither all is real , this is a combo of fantasy + reality so that you all wont get bore or too depressed.

Hope you will enjoy!

- illusiOn ~

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Just a thought..

Sunday, October 25, 2009 4

I want to this and talk like this till late in the morning . I am sick of being mistrusted, these misconceptions . I am not even in a mood to tell anyone not even myself what’s going. Mom I love you for supporting me too much..

Friday, October 23, 2009

Vacation ends..

Friday, October 23, 2009 9
Oh yes! I am back after quite a long vacation. Thanks Vinay for support and pulling me back towards blogsvilla . So here I am with Alpi N Andi series ( yes they are on track ) , with Sam and Adam on WL ( Tainted Love, I hope people there still remember it. Atleast I do ) and yeah I have something very new I went through a difficult phase so will share that in a form of story too.. I hope no problem that will cause..

- illusiOn~

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Back..

Tuesday, August 4, 2009 3

Hey all!
Guess what I am back.. yes back with a bang.. I know that I was disappeared since 23 june ( as that was the latest by me ) um doing great.. yes I am chnaged.. planning to chnage everythingon this blog.. so please join my hand.. ARnav.. i need you... Ste.. though you never visit but i knwo you are there Bro.. Hassan.. i know your by my side.. Maverick.. :) .. Vinay... thank you for always being there..
Please guys i need your prayers tomorrow is an important day in my life..
Love you all !
-IllusiOn~

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

A Note For My-selF!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009 4

Today I have so much to say.. But finding hard to fill words with my emotions, feeling as if my emotions tap if once got opened , the bottles called ' Words ' wont be having much space to have them but still I want to talk , I want to share every single day of mine every single feeling, every single moment of my life.
It tough for me yes it is. This way of life I never seen neither I lived but now I have to live and have to make decisions on my own though in past even I loved to make my own decisions. I never liked anybody else making arrangements for me or taking advantage of my unwilling nature. No matter what I felt in my heart I always stayed quite, clam and strong in front of others. And for that I AM PROUD OF MYSELF.
-illusiOn~

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Wait..

Saturday, June 20, 2009 4

He left her three days back , but couldn't bear distance so he, today was back. He knocked the door but nobody answered so he used her keys to unlock the door. A mess was waiting for him as he entered he saw cloths, frames, pens and everything on floor. Picking up everything that came between his way he finally reached their master room. He knocked but again no answer so he checked the lock and opened the door. The room was empty but back door was opened and there he saw his girl sitting. He went in the room and touched her from back and then his eyes saw the worst thing of his life, his girl's body touched the floor. He hold her hand but her body was cold, as cold as ice. His face turned pale, tears rolled down and he said;

' So Honey your wait has comes to an end '

-illusiOn~

P.S( an awful attempt)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Sculpting - Towards Success ~

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 14
Sculpting - Towards Success ~

It was Monday 14Th June '09 , at 12:00 p.m luckily I woke a little early then usual ( my class starts at 1:00 p.m ). With loads of ease and relaxant in my every act I left bed and focused my eyes on television. At 12:30 I started my break fast and at 12:45 p.m I hurriedly left my home for my class. At 1:10 I reach there and I got hooked as entrance room was opened but the main room was locked and there was no sign of Sir. Saleem. I passed the stair cases from 3rd floor to ground and ask the receptionist where Sir. Saleem was, as on 2Nd floor nobody knew where he was. God ! Receptionist told me to wait there only. This time I avoided stair case and choose the lift after all lifts are to be used. No? After few minutes Bisma ( my only colleague ) came and guess what? she had keys. We speedily place our things and rushed to make clay ready for modeling. There came our teacher with a good news that clay is just to be soften we don't need it to make more harder. Sir Saleem told us to make a slap of 6x6 and of 1 cm ( a cube again ). After 1.5 hrs it was of this shape.



After this Sir. Saleem told us not to get worried about the perfect shape. We will make it perfect with a scrubber and a scale. But before that we need to make the clay a little softer to avoid scratches and all. We sprayed water with help of spraying bottle and it was like this;


I shaped my slap with a scale and a scrubber firstly from the sides then by the surface. And it turned out like this;


And like this;


Our next step was to draw leaves on the slap with help of pencil first then by pointing tools. I choose to make two leaves over lapping one another. And for that Sir Saleem explained me how to make such. According to him, we need to make the bottom leaf first and then to make the top one avoiding tools as modeling will be done only. So I draw something like this with pencil first;

Then I choose a surgical tool placed on a left corner of the rooms and started shaping my leaves which turned out like this;

After making the outer shape I started making the centre line and decided to make the inner side of the leaf on the bottom one.


While on the other hand I chose upper one to be outer side and a crumpled shape at the end with a little turn showing inner side and with that we had to pack up as it was 3:30 p.m ( 30 minutes above our class ). So we sprayed water placed a wet cloth and a plastic sheet ( thick one exclusive for this clay work only ) and with that all three of us ( me , Bisma , Sir Saleem ) left the room.

Today at 11:50 p.m ( how early I wake up hehehe ). I left home at 12:45 p.m again :( awful of me and reach there at 1:12 p.m. Bisma was already there making her second leaf while I was left with both. She came before me I guess 45 minutes before and I had to complete the task with in my time. So i took of the plastic sheet and the cloth and sprayed the clay and my slap with water for clay to be soften;


I with coils of clay, made the bottom leaf's border and it was something like this;

I made the bottom leaf with a little depth in the middle so the detailing can work well and it was like this;

We make coils like this placing little quantity between the surface and our palm and move it a little and it splurge like this;

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.

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And finally it turned out something to be like this.. Ahh.. After two days of hard work and patience this was the resultant ;


Here are different poses of my first project. I am so very happy for this. Cant even express how happy I am;



-illusiOn~

(I am so very happy after making my first project will be working on POT making again with modeling only. Keep on waiting..)

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Sculpting - EncOuragement!

Thursday, June 11, 2009 7

Sculpting - EncOuragement!

Wednesday morning at 12:28 p.m I woke up.. Definitely was late for class ahh this sleep ( I am sleepy girl nah? I know I know ) I took a rickshaw and left for institute. There as I reach I hurried off for the office to take away my institute card / pass card ( its necessary, as a guard checks it ). Unfortunately receptionist took a little longer then usual. Finally at 1:20 p.m I was in my class, Sir. Saleem was not there, my luck I guess. I quickly rushed towards the floor side to get ready with clay before my teacher arrives. By the time I made my clay ready he was there. Tough my teacher is not at all strict or something but still timing do matters as this thing do consume alot of time. So when I was done I took my clay along me, took a stool from another room and was ready for a module making of a sphere by clay. After 45 minutes of hard work still it was nowhere, not even close to what I was hoping. Phew! After 100 minutes ( just imagine ) this was ( look done picture no. 1 ) was the result. Though left side was not at all round shaped but it was heading towards what I want ;




After making this my back was badly paining as we have to work in a standing position and have to move round and round to make a perfect sphere. OK OK I know you could obviously observe bottom right side could have been better but I am not perfect and if I would have done that this could make it worse because of weight that clay has of itself.


OK ! This is a distant view as I tried to cover the backside even, so my friends can have a little view in what kind of place their doll ;) is working ( sympathies please ! now mav. don't say it doesn't matter where you work .. blah blah when I say sympathies that means sympathies me PLEASE ) :D




And this is a much closer view so you can observe sphere like I did hehehehe;



Last but not the least this is a 3-D view ( if I am not being wrong ) Ahh it was fun..


Next time that is on Monday we will be working on slap of clay.. Keep on waiting...


EnjOy!


-illusiOn~

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Sculpting - Fasten The Seat Belt..

Wednesday, June 10, 2009 6
Scultping - Fasten The Seat Belt..


Ahh ! Today was my first practical class of Sculpturing :) yeah! It was fun absolute fun. Thanks to Mr. Saleem ( my sculpting teacher ) , he do have faith in me and so I have. I made a cube today with help of clay ( coils of clay actually ) man believe me its tough ahhh! Its took me too long may be because it was my first day but I will learn with time.. definitely..

Wanna have a view? Take a look;




Phew! It was tough then I thought.. and you know what I made it a little larger when finishing hehehe God, Sir. Saleem was horrified as I made the mistakes then he fobidden me of..




Got a view damn! I was bashed.. I shouldn't have done this but then, we learn from our mistakes only no? :0 at least Sir. Saleem says so..



Will this is a distant view of it. A number of coils of clay lined up ahh it was missive.




Ahem ahem a closer view can you see the curve on lest side.. What a cube..


Last but not the least this is an up view of a cube much better then all but I think images no 1, 3 are better too.. What you say? Tomorrow is a sphere making class will post what I will be doing.. till then ChaO's

--illusiOn~


 
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