Monday, November 30, 2009

Knots !

Monday, November 30, 2009 0


Hey guys.. The four letter word TRUST made me post here at this odd time of night yeah I know I will be able to post it tomorrow evening but guys you know what I am writing it here at 3:00 a.m .. WL announced the contest I am surely searching in my idiot brain and forcing it to vibrate and make me know something to write. Day was hell at start but later it got OK as I was not feeling well couldn’t come online. Now as I told you this four letter word.. TRUST made me write, though I completely unsure of what to write and how to justify my words I surely will give it a try.


I am still unsure of this word, strange is the not the definition but its effects. I am really surprised sometimes that how easily it can knocked down. ( guys by this I am not mentioning anyone particular talking generally) Honestly you tell me, sometimes its easily broken and can never be mended. Sometimes you feel after covering a distance with person in a relationship that you never trusted the person while the journey not even a single moment you did. My word web gives me definition that any other soul can give but definition they were satisfies me. In my mother tongue this TRUST is known as e,ti’mad which means ( let me check my Urdu dictionary for exact meanings) Yeah it says; ‘ kisi cheez ya sheh par bharosa rakhna ya us par apna dar o madar rakhna ’ . This means TRUST means to be dependent on someone or to rely on someone.

Few days back I got an SMS which gave me another example of TRUST it said;
‘ Have you ever seen a baby, when you throw him in air he laughs instead of being afraid that is TRUST because he is sure you will catch him, he is safe ’

May be you agree to this well, to some extend I do. But what put me into a dilemma is why then its easily knocked down, if its down will the person be able to gain it back. Common now don't leave a comment saying time heals everything, or things go around they can be sort out blah blah. I  know all the logics, I understand the terms and conditions that are required to survive in the beautiful land but still sometimes TRUST can never be mended..

- illusiOn ~



Hey you all people around me how are you? hope doing good.. Its been late since I have shared some good happy go stuff here. So here I am with something close to my heart. God created us and through our parents we enter this world of ours. Siblings are the xtra bonus thing added in our recipe of life though this spice is been deducted in few people recipe of life. Anyhow among all your siblings a sister is a gift. Seriously guys! reading this post keep an image of your sister and feel what she is to you and how you take her. Siblings are the God gifted friends whom with we are so much parted. Distance when grows I know its unable to realize but guys siblings are given to us so that we can cherish every moment of life with them. Sharing, gossips, fights, it all so happy going. You never realize but your success lies with the bonding of your siblings. So my this posts goes to all my siblings… And a message to all bloggers make friends… but make your siblings your friends first. Through a very access to internet yes its true the world is like a global village but deep down I feel we are getting parted from our family especially the understanding is evacuated. Its important to realize that there is no use of a bundle of friends on virtual world or real world if you a lonely, depressed sibling at home. THINK AND CHANGE..

Felicitous Wishes 2 all..

Hey all people! Its time for celebrations… I hope you all will be having a great EID.. Though girls usually don't like this EID because its too smelly and they are quite afraid of blood and all.. But from my side.. HAPPPY EID MUBARAK TO YOU ALL.. MAY YOU HAVE A SPLENDID EID DAYS..

- illusiOn ~

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Evanescent Relations...

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Ever wondered why people leave? I mean why the cycle of replacement is always on? Why someone enters and at the very same time people leave? Even knowing that there is no replacement of them possible? Is it natural, or psychological? are people insecure or they completely lose their ability to think and understand before doing all this..

Well well ! All these thoughts they belong to each one of us and we all hold these questions deep down in our .. [ what I should say heart or mind ] lets assume SOUL , we all hold these in our soul....yes! perfect line ( I won’t be appreciating if anyone of you commented about this line that it could be better bata rahi hon main! open your ears and listen argh i mean open your eyes and read chup chap se.. ). Relationships.....they’re quite important when it comes to living. Relationship is not just about having someone special in life. Its all about relations from siblings to children, from friends to colleagues, from a stranger to a neighbour, it does comprise of all of that. We actually are too complicated to be stated that’s the reason inventions never end and so does our complexity. I believe its all about handling things. Yes! we all need a guardian angel cast upon every single day, every single moment. But the distance between angel and us is not that easy to cover. Its all about handling. We all are human, the superior creatures of Allah because of which we are too proud and hence commit mistakes. Leaving nature of mankind aside, its difficult yet very important to understand and balance the need and requirement of not only one’s self but other one's too. Here we usually lack, we are generally too busy with our lives, expectations and perceptions that we hardly focus on the other one. If we are focusing on the other we stop considering ourselves which lead us to complaints and misunderstandings. The only thing that helps is your standing position and the distance you covered in the mutual understanding. Actually we all revolve around some kinda axis of our own. When we know someone their axis is linked with us.. As they say opposites attract, same goes here. You need to be opposite to each other in positions but not definitely in mutual bonding. Whenever you have a friend standing on a EXIT door make him leave in a best possible way ( best could vary from cries, sobs, shouts, screams anything you do just do best in that particular genre ). Always welcome people standing outside the ENTRY gate with a little mystery left behind, comfort them and take their breath away… Enough I ENJOY…

- illusiOn ~


I am brought up with a statement ‘ Crying makes your nervous system weak ’ but I never quit crying. I stand with my words I never quit though I started hating it years later. I have been taken as a very weak person in my family but years back they were forced to change this petty little comments. I am a very strong person and that's because I barely keep things in my heart I put it in here (my blog) or drop it in my diary I own. this way I am always able to re-go through things. Secretly, I heard once crying makes your eyes beautiful. Obviously I am not talking about that puffy nose and watering image, the later results… :P I love shedding tears and forget it later if I don’t I face phases like DARK TUNNEL..


I remember once my brother made bet that if I cry for 30 minutes with a consistency he will take me to the ice-cream parlour I want to go to. Left me with no bloody choice I had to cry for 30 minutes but then I made myself sure that even he takes me to the parlour I will make sure he gets punished for that :D beautiful childhood… ahh :)

- illusiOn ~


To be honest last day was not my day had been very much frustrated and very much sad. But what really help was talking to my brothers. My virtual brother STEPHEN ANTHONY , who is having his birthday today 24th November and Azam bhai.. thank you both for making world a better place for living. I gave surprise by calling ste.. brother A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you :) may your wishes come true.. Yes! my friends helped me too Vinay .. who can forget.. Maverick.. thank you guys..

Its good to have siblings like I have.. :)

-illusiOn ~

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Submerged mɜ!

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Growing up, being much mature then your actual is age sounds thrilled, excited and adventurous. You actually are smart, intellectual and above much aware of things then others are at your age but actually a great problem lies here. You are the odd one out, much more difficult is your competition then others have of your age as your maturity level is high and so is your approach. People like these are absolutely normal if surroundings let them be a normal person.  I have been into this world for the past 18 years, like every other kid faced challenges but I never understood relationships and yes! I failed. I know many people here will come and say I am wrong but believe me I am the one who never had relationships like I wanted, there is no way that I am going to blame the people or the surrounding of mine. I certainly and proudly accept that flaws lies in me.. Yes I am tired, I have been titled to be the most negative person of my family but I want to tell all my people that I am no very much tired of losing myself again again for some moron. I know its way too harsh of me calling some respectful people of my society as morons but I stand with my words. I am listening to one of my least favourite bands “JAL” I guess its good listening to people you hardly want to listen. There is no problem with them but I guess there music is not my type. I am extremely sorry boys. I don’t know why I am writing all this but not for sympathies off course. I hate when people make their own way of looking at my personality guess my impressions are never that strong. I feel like my body if of this era but my soul it belongs to decades back may be the 18th century. Yes I lie that I am happy without people who left because of no reason yes I lie as I find no other way to survive with the fact. Its easy saying ‘ accept and move ’ I have accepted, even forgiven but how to erase my memory?? I don't know. I don’t have complains as I know fault is mine I choose wrong people or I may say I choose wrong time to be with them. Friend! you are right ‘ A cup of tea is a cup of tea, and a business deal is business deal ’ , and you know what I still don’t know the difference.


I don’t know how long it will take me to forget all what had happen, it was never that severe, I accept it never was but I am still unable to leave it in my past. I have been away and I was missed by myself the most. I am a hard-core, and yes I am not ashamed of what I am surely I can bring changes in me but only if I feel like. I need friends like every other person of my age but the problem is I don’t know what suits me best. What’s my combo of friendship. I guess I had enough on my account, I better get going and hit the sheets. Its late, almost morning and if now I don’t go to bed I will be knockdown by my mother as she hates her children spoiling there morning sleeping.

- illusiOn ~

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

A view..

Tuesday, November 17, 2009 4



This was not the very first time that I came up here and I lied, I have been coming here for years. After every few routine weeks I need some time to come up here and lie. I never understood the relationship I and this wall shared. I don’t know what’s the connection between us but definitely its there. Its crazy of me believing that this wall understands me well or it understand what I say, observe or feel. I know it doesn’t but I enjoy being here. Its nothing like I am isolated or something its just sometimes its nice to view world much smaller then it is. From such height I only can see small but many cars all over the road. World seems much lighter then actually it is. The view is entirely different and incredible. I will suggest try it but yeah only on your own risk :P . I have been coming to this place since I was a kid. That time I used to come here only when I got angry or dissatisfied with the rest of the world. I used to hide here and show my attitude to rest of the world(family). Then there came a time when I used to come up only when I was tensed and now I come here just to have another view of world , entirely different, odd but fantastic. :)

- illusiOn ©

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Sick.. tired.. and..

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Do you actually understand what TIRED means? come and ask me I am actually tired. Physically  i am not.. but actually i am. i want to be alone yet i want to be surrounded with people. I dont want ny1 to advice me but yes it doesnt means I dont want ny1 around me ...

Saturday, November 7, 2009

My Favorite 10 Letter ‘ LONELINESS ’

Saturday, November 7, 2009 1



LONELINESS .. my favorite topic of discussion as I generally don’t agree with the definition of many things defined by people or my web dictionaries even the Cambridge one. This word certainly top’s my generations list. Before I move on with my views, perspectives,opinions and ideas with off course THE SOLUTIONS lets see how our dictionary defines the 10 alphabets holder LONELINESS. My WORDWEB gives me the following definitions;

  • The state of being alone in solitary isolation
  • Sadness resulting from being forsaken or abandoned
  • A disposition toward being alone

Personally, I don’t believe any of them. STRANGE! is it? well, I say what I believe, I have my own definitions and laws.Umm talking about the first definition, I believe there is a difference of approach as there are two sides of every coin. I remember a friend asked me year back; ‘what is LONELINESS? is it bad or good?’ I replied ‘ it depends, depends on .. the type of isolation’ , my friend replied ‘ type of isolation, wow! I never knew isolation even comes in types’. I typed ‘ Yeah ! they come in two types 1. Loneliness that you chose 2. Loneliness chosen for you or I must say gifted you  by people. If your loneliness is of type 1 then you will feel better with in couple of minutes but if its of type 2 its definitely severe’. Couple of minutes later I got a call from my friend;

‘ Do you actually believe what you just told me ’
' Well, yes I do that's why I said '
' This is weird , from where you get this ideas I meant the definitions '
' Why? what you have to do '
' Obviously demolish the factory '


Even if we look around we can easily feel the difference. According to the human nature its difficult for a person do something imposed on them, even you make them do the exertion lasts for long. Considering myself, I would say it happens a million time when I felt isolated in middle of hundreds of people. And there are several times when I enjoy even I am all on my own. Ideas/Solution for LONELINESS no.2 ( my definition) will be given if asked :P, as I hate giving advices in crowd. I know only 3 to 4 people read my posts but crowd means ‘ More then two people at a place known as CROWD ’ hehehe

- illusiOn ~

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A Reply! – ( From The Dark Tunnel )

Wednesday, November 4, 2009 2



I came back to my room and wore my night suit. I took the band out of my hairs and lie down straight facing up the ceiling. I have a black ceiling by the way. Its odd but I like it. Staring helps , whenever I feel like tired or want to sleep and I cant I use this therapy, with a blank mind, no thoughts I stare the ceiling of my room. The dying hope made me shiver alot of times when I have to think, manage and fight. I have no ways, ideas or formulas to beat my enemy with but I cant sit idle even. I cant see my self drowning in the sea of FAILURE . Yes I never faced FAILURE and today even I wont see myself idly with a dying hope and FAILURE laughing on me. I am the PRINCESS , yes I cant hear NO and who say their NO can effect my life but it will effect theirs for sure. They could do alot better if they would have hired me but who  cares, they were mature enough to decide on there  own. I went down slowly brought CLASSIFIED to my room and started viewing it. After an hour or two when I my eyes were tired and almost closed I made my way back to bed and just before I could go to the world of dreams I heard a voice




- illusiOn ~

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

To God, With Love ! - ( From The Dark Tunnel )

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And then after so many days of mistrust and disbelief I finally decide to write to God. You must be thinking how fool I was then did I ask you think or tell me what you are thinking . I sat down on top most roof constellate with stars , moon observing me and I wrote down;


To Allah!

I don't know but I am very dishearten  by you, help me gaining my faith back. I don't know why all this happened but it did and I am not liking it at all now its your responsibility to make feel better instead of living it on time to heal me. I am yours and this is the only reason I am writing this letter to you. I know people here will take me as an insane but when I care about it? Did I? No! Allah I know something better is hived away in near future but then why we pray and ask things from you if you are going to provide things in a better way, in its best shape? Why you said in Al- Quran that you give to those who ask you to? I don't know if my talks make sense to anyone but I know it will to you I am sure as you are my creator. If my mum understands me so well so does my dad then I am dead sure YOU the one who love me more then 70 mothers surely understands me far better then I understand myself. Help me! I know you are around somewhere near me but still I need you. I know things will go by and then I will be on a track towards success but this is hurting me. I know people who are consoling me are resource of you only but this way its hurting even more. Sometime I feel like drowning myself somewhere but then I remember how difficult it was for me to recover from it last time.

Waiting for an answer!

Love you Allah ..

And I wiped my tears off and tear the page from the diary and it flit away before I could grab it .. I smiled Allah definitely was watching me and this wind took my letter to him.. =) ..


- illusiOn ~

Monday, November 2, 2009

Sentiments ! - ( From The Dark Tunnel )

Monday, November 2, 2009 0
I don't know why I was rejected and so my colleagues who got chance to work there, the place I always dreamed about. I felt liking punching them on their nose straight but then what there fault was. They were not the people who kicked me out. I considered myself a very religious person though people in my surrounding may disagree as I don't seem to be one. Yeah its my mistake that I don't offer prayers as regularly as I should be but my prayers were rejected for my betterment I don't believe it even. I know there must be something that was missed may be the faith was not that strong  by me only my LORD loves me like no one but I never understand few things and I don’t know whom to ask as people have a different stories within them and I hate sharing my beliefs and faith with anyone, within my family even. I don't believe when people say God didn't gave you this even on your so much pray because this was not good for you, I think that we only pray when things go beyond our reach, when you are drowning even then only you ask for help not always you do that. I wanted Allah to console me, silly of me I know but it was hard for me to believe that I was rejected by them after such a great interview. The thoughts of mine always hit me hard like this only. I know soon everything will be fine this time will too pass by but what to do in this time is important. I know or I don't now, I’m on a last stage of nothingness.  I  agree I need counseling only if there is any chance that Allah comes to do. I know I am just not a normal bloody human psychological case, I am superlative so I need HIM only. I know its so selfish of me to think about my mishap rather then thinking about bigger ones but that is in human nature ( best excuse no? );
Understanding is if that difficult,
Burry me deep in soil,
or let me play the game of mine,
The moments are to be cherishes don't spoil,
I am not gonnna die I wont play safe,
Stronger I am not a foil,
I will fight  till the end make a bet,
So what if problems coil...
It can be restarted if its end,
I will wait so what if today I am roil,
( I know the poem doesn't make sense but ..)
- illusiOnv ~

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Tidings !

Sunday, November 1, 2009 4



Hey guys you know today we are back to our timings.. ahh! this means an hour back. I have an aptitude test tomorrow , Yeah I am little nervous but I am pretty much prepared this time. I don't know how easy this time it will be but I am consciously prepared still not sure how I will be reacting if I wont be able too… but why negativity ? I have promised myself to always look at a brighter side of the things and from this I start. I am putting all sad songs not in a recycle bin but with all the songs. And guess what? I am writing like hell.. I don't know what this is with me but I am happy with this as I really missed my writing skill since 23rd June . Dark tunnel was hard passing without my writing thing. I am more into it this time what they say yeah BACK WITH A BANG.  Its 4:14 a.m and I should hurry as I need to sleep …

- illusiOn ~

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